Spamgasm

"Asian Couple Have Public Library Sex"

2008-09-28T11:44:00.000-04:00

1. Is the Asian descriptor significant in some way, or is is a bit like someone being described as Caucasian in a write-up about a crime -- just a detail which has to be included?

2. Did they have sex in a public library, or just publicly, in a private library?

3. I'm trying to imagine the context in which this would be either an appropriate headline or an email subject line. I can't come up with one.

“Paris Hilton’s bust goes missing”

2008-09-12T08:38:00.002-04:00

1. How does one lose one's bust?
2. Would losing one's bust involve surgery?
3. Will Benji Madden lead the search party?
4. Was a missing bust report filed?
5. Do you think one of her frenemies stole it?
6. What are the odds that she will declare her missing bust, "hot"?

"Real men have big peckers"

2008-09-11T08:37:00.000-04:00

Just one question: Is that the only qualifier?

“Make your dinosaur grow larger”

2008-09-10T08:33:00.000-04:00

1. I don't have a dinosaur, literal or figurative; this isn't so well-targeted.
2. Are there men who refer to their penis as a dinosaur?
3. If so, do these men ever get to have sex with women?
4. If so, have these women ever met other men?
5. Weren't a lot of dinosaurs kind of scaly and...not ideal for penetration purposes?
6. If you had a literal dinosaur, would you really want it to be bigger?
7. No, seriously -- have you seen Jurassic Park?

"Angelina Jolie to adopt Spears children"

2008-09-09T08:29:00.002-04:00

1. Seriously, doesn't Angelina have enough friggin' children?
2. If she did adopt the kidlets, would Maddox finally go postal and point out that his family has exploded in the past two years -- and thanks, but he'd rather go back to being an only child?
3. Would Zahara or Shiloh end up dating one of the boys later in life, in a very Flowers in the Attic sort of scenario?
4. Would she adopt Britney too?
5. Odds that there would be some sort of Britney/Angelina lesbian sex rumor?

"John McCain to Paris Hilton: 'Cosmo, Biyatch!'"

2008-09-07T20:20:00.004-04:00

1. How fantastic is it that there is election-themed spam?
2. The visual of John McCain using the word 'biyatch'? Fantastic.
3. I wonder if Cindy McCain uses that word.
4. Or any of the Palin family.
5. Am I the only one who imagined John McCain chest-bumping Paris while saying this?
6. Would John McCain saying something like this make him seem like he was slightly less ancient? Or just like he was trying too hard...

"Robocop poised for hot comeback"

2008-08-29T17:03:00.002-04:00

Questions:

1. Will Peter Weller still play RoboCop? Or, like Kit, will there be a more modern version of Robocop?
2. Didn't RoboCop die at the end of the movie? It's been a while, so maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not sure about the reincarnation thing. Although in all fairness, he's a robot...so maybe he just needs new batteries and a few well-placed screws.
3. Did RoboCop ever really go away?
4. Do they mean the fictional RoboCop...or is there a real RoboCop.
5. Does this mean Detroit will (finally) be crime-free?
6. Speaking of a crime-free Detroit -- would RoboCop be making his comeback, by chance, to arrest Detroit's mayor? Please?
7. When they say "poised," does that imply that RoboCop has been working out and shining himself up so he looks great for his first TV interview?

"Paris Hilton Donates Income To Children's Hospital From Mini-Me Sex Tape"

2008-08-28T17:33:00.000-04:00

Some questions:

1. Would there be a lot of income from said tape? (i.e., who would buy it?)
2. Does this mean Paris Hilton and Mini-Me are friends?
3. Is Paris Hilton IN said tape (and if so, is the whole thing a clever PR move?)?
4. Is she taking a pre-donation cut of the sex tape profits?
5. What does Benji Madden think?
6. Should Mini-Me stop making sex tapes?
7. Should Paris Hilton stop making sex tapes?
8. Will this make Rick Solomon sad (that he didn't get a cut of this one)?